Skin Deep

So I've decided that the hardest part of life in between is that I'm constantly changing my mind about myself. You know the big question, who am I? On the surface I know who I am, or who I'm going to be, a teacher. I'm going to be an educator. (I'm soo excited about this btw!) But deeper than that, way down, who am I? Not to mention, a profession doesn't determine who someone is or isn't. In fact, all this talk about stages in life and where I've been and where I'm going do not define who I am. So who gives a shit about all this stages talk. Marriage, kids, a career...all these things are on my mind night and day. I can't seem to shake living in the future. But why? Those are all great things but they won't define my life or the woman I am. So as I was reading everything I wrote yesterday I found it all so shallow. Today I'm feeling regret on a much deeper level and that is that I don't feel like I am consistent. I'm constantly changing my mind about how I feel, my ethics & morals, etc. Somedays I feel like I need to be a nicer person who doesn't judge people so easily. I decide that I'm going to stop talking about people behind their back and apologize to those I've been mean to. Then I think I'm going to try to be a person of good character. BUT the next thing I know it's tomorrow and I'm back to judgement and ridicule. I have the ability to become one of those shallow girls that smiles at your face and pisses on your back. And I HATE that. I want to sincerely like people simply because I respect the fact that they are different. And so this desire to be genuine is there everyday, however some days I just can't fulfill it.

Wow. I am so rambling right now. That's kind of the mood I am in tonight though. I'm just staring at the screen and typing like a robot. So anything in my mind is just spitting out in the text box. Please accept my apologies if none of it makes sense.