Cruel Awakening

I woke up this morning bawling. I haven't cried that hard in years. I had one of those life-like dreams. You know the kind, after you awake it takes a couple of moments before you realize that it really was just a dream. Last night Nathan left me. He had been distant the last couple of days so I finally asked what was bothering him. That's when he told me, I loved him too much and he didn't love me at all. The words hit my ears like a ton of bricks and immediately fell into my stomach. Then I awoke and tears fell like rain in the Amazon. I was crying so hard it hurt. Nathan was laying right next to me. He immediately panicked fearing what could possibly make me cry that hard. All I could say was "A dream....a dream...." I had to keep telling myself that over and over until I finally believed it. He wrapped his arms around me, kissed my forehead, and assured me that he loves me.

I realized this morning how much I love him. Love in real life is a funny thing. Over time it is so easy to begin going through the motions. Off to work-hug. kiss. "i love you." Phone conversations ends, "i love you." Going to sleep, kiss. "i love you." Wake-up, repeat. After awhile you stop trying to give him a reason to love you and just become yourself. And I guess my fear is that one day he will realize that he doesn't have a reason to just love me anymore. Obviously this is a real fear I have in there somewhere because it caused this nightmare last night. I don't need Nathan. I could live without him. Yeah, I would have to move back home with my parents or get a second job so that I could afford an apartment, but I could do it. I'm going to school and will one day have a career of my own. I'm becoming an independent woman and so the truth is I can survive on my own. But boy do I love him. And I'd much rather live in company than solitude =)

THANK GOD IT WAS JUST A DREAM!

Fact: I'm afraid of the dark.