"I Was Running"

I got home from work today around 4:30 and I just started running. Why was I participating in such an ambitious task you're asking yourself? Because the sun was shining. Not only because it was 4:30 and still light outside, but because it was 4:30 and there was still sun rays shining down on my face. I just wanted to be outside. I hate winter. After a month of it I get cabin fever and am tired of being locked indoors. So I started running. Like Forrest Gump. And when I got tired I ran home. I really should do that more often. Not only because it's good for my physical health but because it's good for my mental health as well. Yeah, I had (have) homework to complete, clothes to clean, and dinner to prepare, but I left all that at home and ran away for a little while. It was good.

Now the dusk is setting in so I'm coming down from my adrenaline rush as I type away. I have a little chocolate pup begging at my feet for her dinner and a mate who will be home in an hour with an empty stomach as well. That homework assignment is still due tomorrow and I believe there is a can of hops in the fridge with my name on it =) So off I go.

Fact: I'm almost a senior in college!

A Blog with My Morning Coffee

Good Morning! Is it? The day will reveal itself. I predict a decent day, if my mood can hold. I have class this morning beginning at 7:30 and ending at Noon. Then I'll head to the gym with a good book and read on the bike. This is becoming my new favorite part of the day =) After that I'll come home to clean the house and put together a meatloaf. Mommy is coming over for dinner so I'm cooking something up she doesn't even know I can make! But before dinner I'll head to cheerleading practice at 3:30. So eh, another day in paradise scheduled. The good news is it's Thursday which makes tomorrow Friday and the following day SATURDAY!--my favorite day of the week.

You know, anticipating Saturday is exactly my biggest downfall in life. You may have already picked up on this by reading my previous blogs...I live in the future. That was definitely my problem yesterday. I couldn't just enjoy the sunshine of the day because I knew it would be gone tomorrow. I'm always looking to the day, week, month, and even year(s) ahead. I can't ever just sit back and enjoy where I'm at. Like right now I'm looking to the weekend. On an even larger screen I'm looking for graduation from LC. I'm anticipating my resume, letters of recommendation, and already nervous about the interviews and getting a teaching job. I also can't stop wondering when I'm going to be wearing a ring on my left hand. I've even been thinking about when to stop taking my birth control so it can flush out of my system before Nathan and I start trying to get pregnant. And that is at least 2 years away! (Yeah, like I really have that scheduled out, who knows how far away that is or isn't) I need to stop trying to map out my life and just let it happen. I need to start living for the day. I'm aware that all my dreams may not come true. I'm not Cinder fuckin' ella. And so living this way leaves me wanting.

They say acknowledgment is the first step to recovery.

Fact: I forgot to put on underwear this morning.

Wanting More Sunshine

The sun was shining bright today. This lifted my spirits for only a moment. I couldn't help realizing that it would be gone tomorrow.

I don't have the energy to write tonight.

Fact: I can't decide if I believe in God or not.

Hey Coach

Coach. A new name I like to be called. It is too easy to become the enemy to a teenage girl (especially one in Jr. High.) So when she sees me and says, "Hey Coach!" I remember who I really am to her. Her coach. Coach, as in mentor, teacher, role model. So when I hear "Hey Coach" I'm reminded why I do it.

Fact: I can't turn down icecream. Ever.

Case of the Mondays

The boys are gawking at fake women again. I wish they knew how it made me feel inside. "OMG she's soo hott!" She has flat stomach with tight abs, perfectly round (large) boobs, bright blonde hair, etc etc. You know the type so I don't feel the need to spit out anymore details. See, I find myself surrounded by men constantly and while most of the time I fit right in with the boys it is moments like these that make me feel out of place. I hate having what I'm not thrown in my face.

Anyway, today was just another day in paradise. Right.
Nathan is sick. He was throwing up today and came home from work. I was with the kindergartners all day at the Club and then cheerleading practice. My stress level will fall way down when this cheerleading season is over. While I really enjoy it it's hard to do while being fully engaged in the Education Program at the same time. This blog is my only escape. Now that I've become an official blogger, I'm addicted. I can't wait to get home, put on my sweat pants, sit down in my recliner, and let everything out. The sweet release.

Things to look forward to this week: Coors Light. Okay, seriously: the weekend.
I have a few things to get through before that gets here though. Let's see...the Sac/Jenifer basketball game and freshmen team performance. Tutoring a student at Grantham. Pep assembly on Wednesday. My mom is coming over for dinner & hot tub on Thursday (now that I am seriously looking forward to! No sarcasm intended.) Then it's finally Friday. Ohh wait the kids don't have school so therefore I will be working all day at the unorganized Club. But come Friday night I will smile. Do I have plans? No. That's the beauty of Friday night.

Cruel Awakening

I woke up this morning bawling. I haven't cried that hard in years. I had one of those life-like dreams. You know the kind, after you awake it takes a couple of moments before you realize that it really was just a dream. Last night Nathan left me. He had been distant the last couple of days so I finally asked what was bothering him. That's when he told me, I loved him too much and he didn't love me at all. The words hit my ears like a ton of bricks and immediately fell into my stomach. Then I awoke and tears fell like rain in the Amazon. I was crying so hard it hurt. Nathan was laying right next to me. He immediately panicked fearing what could possibly make me cry that hard. All I could say was "A dream....a dream...." I had to keep telling myself that over and over until I finally believed it. He wrapped his arms around me, kissed my forehead, and assured me that he loves me.

I realized this morning how much I love him. Love in real life is a funny thing. Over time it is so easy to begin going through the motions. Off to work-hug. kiss. "i love you." Phone conversations ends, "i love you." Going to sleep, kiss. "i love you." Wake-up, repeat. After awhile you stop trying to give him a reason to love you and just become yourself. And I guess my fear is that one day he will realize that he doesn't have a reason to just love me anymore. Obviously this is a real fear I have in there somewhere because it caused this nightmare last night. I don't need Nathan. I could live without him. Yeah, I would have to move back home with my parents or get a second job so that I could afford an apartment, but I could do it. I'm going to school and will one day have a career of my own. I'm becoming an independent woman and so the truth is I can survive on my own. But boy do I love him. And I'd much rather live in company than solitude =)

THANK GOD IT WAS JUST A DREAM!

Fact: I'm afraid of the dark.

Sunday Afternoon Blogging

So, I didn't write yesterday. I suppose this was due to pure exhaustion. I woke up at 7:00a.m. after I chugged Nighttime Sleep Medicine the night before. I had to be at McGhee at 8:30 for a cheerleading stunt clinic put on by the Lewiston High School varsity cheerleaders. Sacajawea cheerleaders (my squad) and the Jenifer cheerleaders were both there. As it turns out this was a great experience for all involved. It gave me an opportunity to watch an inspiring coach who knows cheerleading inside & out in action. It gave the Jenifer coach a chance to see what she's missing out on. It gave the Jenifer cheerleaders a chance to see what real cheerleading looks like. It gave the Sac. cheerleaders a chance to see what good teamwork looks like. It gave my assistant coach a chance to see what an assistant coach actually does. And it gave the LHS cheerleaders the recognition they deserve for being so talented. Overall, it was the chance of the year we all needed--a great opportunity. I struggled through the headache I went to bed with and was 'blessed' to still have in the morning. I came home and hit the coach for the remainder of the afternoon and then went to Tom & Kathy Greene's house for Clay's birthday. Kathy makes the best meals ever! So we enjoyed some good food, watched home videos of Ryan, Kyle, and Clay from when they were little shits, and then came home. If you're thinking "Good, sounds like her headache went away and she had a nice evening" - you're wrong. I chugged more Nighttime Sleep Medicine and went straight to bed when I got home. Only to awake again this morning with the same headache.

I'm not sure what's been going on the last couple of days. I am just purely exhausted. My body is weak, my eyes hurt, my head hurts, I'm dizzy, and most of all I'm just TIRED. I know what you're thinking, "SHE'S PREGNANT!" I assure you, I'm not. I've been on the same birth control consistently every month for the last year and a half now. Nathan also wears a second protection every time we have sex. We aren't ready for a baby yet so we are very careful. Not to mention my last menstration cycle ended yesterday. But I would like to know what is going with my body. I blame the weather.

So every once in awhile Nathan says something that lets me into his mind & heart. Sometimes I think I know that guy inside & out and then one of these moments occurs when I realize I still have a lot to learn about him. Hence the following: The two of us are sitting in the living room watching t.v. and Nathan says, "You don't know this but I have been thinking about kids a lot lately. I want one. I mean not right now, but soon." He's going to be a good dad. He loves kids. But he's right, I had no idea that he's been thinking about liking them lately.

Fact: My body jiggles a lot more when I jump around these days.

Sleep Can't Come Soon Enough

Ahh I'm so exhausted today. I feel like my body has been put through a tumbler. I worked out at the gym yesterday and my sorry ass is so out of shape that I know that has something to do with it. Then a week long of school, work, and cheerleading has always been good at sucking the energy right out of me. My eyes hurt and I just want to sleeeeeep. I worked all day at the Club because the kids didn't have school today. That was a treat--sarcasm intended. It's not that I don't love the kids, because I do. This 7 yr old boy that I adore was so much fun today. He was wild and talking around 100 words per second. It was hilarious. I also got to listen to one of my 6 yr old girls read to me today and that was AWESOME. She has really made amazing progress and that is so much fun to watch (this is how I know I'm going to love teaching!) BUT I can't stand the Club. If you have children do not, I repeat, do not take them to the Boys and Girls Club! I don't have the energy to elaborate tonight, just take my word for it. Sooo Nathan is sick and I'm exhausted. It's going to be an early to bed night. *Sigh* Finally at home =)

Skin Deep

So I've decided that the hardest part of life in between is that I'm constantly changing my mind about myself. You know the big question, who am I? On the surface I know who I am, or who I'm going to be, a teacher. I'm going to be an educator. (I'm soo excited about this btw!) But deeper than that, way down, who am I? Not to mention, a profession doesn't determine who someone is or isn't. In fact, all this talk about stages in life and where I've been and where I'm going do not define who I am. So who gives a shit about all this stages talk. Marriage, kids, a career...all these things are on my mind night and day. I can't seem to shake living in the future. But why? Those are all great things but they won't define my life or the woman I am. So as I was reading everything I wrote yesterday I found it all so shallow. Today I'm feeling regret on a much deeper level and that is that I don't feel like I am consistent. I'm constantly changing my mind about how I feel, my ethics & morals, etc. Somedays I feel like I need to be a nicer person who doesn't judge people so easily. I decide that I'm going to stop talking about people behind their back and apologize to those I've been mean to. Then I think I'm going to try to be a person of good character. BUT the next thing I know it's tomorrow and I'm back to judgement and ridicule. I have the ability to become one of those shallow girls that smiles at your face and pisses on your back. And I HATE that. I want to sincerely like people simply because I respect the fact that they are different. And so this desire to be genuine is there everyday, however some days I just can't fulfill it.

Wow. I am so rambling right now. That's kind of the mood I am in tonight though. I'm just staring at the screen and typing like a robot. So anything in my mind is just spitting out in the text box. Please accept my apologies if none of it makes sense.

Life In Beween With You

"Life in between with you"...what does it mean? I'm sure that's what most of you asked yourself as you came across my blog. So let me first explain why I signed up for telling the world about my life in the first place. I used to keep a journal all of the time when I was younger. It was a way for me to get my thoughts out of my head and feel the sweet release as if I had told someone. Then it always turned out that I had told someone--my mother. Who, at this time period of my life, was the LAST person I wanted to read my thoughts. Mostly because it caused moments like the following:
"Tara, hunny, do you need condoms? I know you've started having sex and I just want you to use your head and be protected. If you need me..." MOM STOP! That moment defined awkward.
Anyway, I realized that the last thing I wanted was for the wrong person to find my journal and read my thoughts, so I stopped keeping one. These days I find myself lacking a best friend (I mean she's still there things are just different and we don't spend the night together Friday and Saturday night every weekend.) So I feel blocked up sometimes. These are the times that I need to release my thoughts and know that at least someone is hearing (reading) them. So the birth of this blog came about.

Back to why "Life In Between With You"? Well, the way I see it life goes in stages. Early childhood stage, the elementary school years. Teenager stage, jr. high and high school. College stage, state the obvious-the time one is in college. Adulthood stage, you know marriage, morgage, career, and children. Late adulthood stage, grandparenting and retirement. While I am in college I've never felt as if I'm eligible for the college stage. I study more than I drink, I wear full coverage clothing ALL of the time, and I don't attend themed parties. I live in a house with a very serious boyfriend (we own a dog together) participating in a relationship that feels like the "real world." Yet I don't believe to be in the "real world." I'm not married, I don't have children, I don't even have my career yet. So I'm stuck in the middle with him. Here in the middle with you.